So, Lama Zopa Rinpoche replied to my letter about fear, saying that confidence in the Three Jewels is good.
Then he went on, as he often does, to his actual advice. In a nutshell, realization of the emptiness of the inherent existence of the "I" is what i should work on.
I actually felt better reading that. I mean, if i stop seeing a solid me that can be harmed by thoughts, words, actions, and start seeing the i as being something merely labeled on the basis of the aggregates and mind as foundation, then that will definitely help.
Then i laughed.
Yep, i got some work to do.... Especially when the patients start throwing punches, as schizophrenics sometimes do...
Working on being aware enough in the chaos to slow my reaction time and eventually stop defending. Because intellectual study and knowledge only gets you so far.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Bodhicharyavatara
Favorite text of all time.
Still can't spell it, but it is amazing.
So, i went back on the meds. A half dose. At night. Takes the anger and clears my head so i can deal a little better. Meanwhile Dave's temper is out of control. He says it is better, but he is sarcastic and mean and has no patience for anything. Between that and everything else, i am having trouble with perspective.
My cat nearly died, so now i have to work two jobs to pay for the vet bills, my job is approaching hostile work environment... I am getting lost in minutia. Spaciousness, as Sogyal Rinpoche calls it, is lost to me at the moment. Meanwhile, i am feeling overwhelmed to the point that sitting just feels like more work. And that is wrong. I try to fight it, but fall asleep if i try to sit or read. Going to keep trying.
Oh, and had a really odd dream. I was at work and the Karmapa was there about to give a teaching, so my boss told me i had to float to another floor. Typical. I told her to fire me because i wasn't going.
Going to go try to read a verse of something and meditate on it. Or sleep trying... ;-)
Still can't spell it, but it is amazing.
So, i went back on the meds. A half dose. At night. Takes the anger and clears my head so i can deal a little better. Meanwhile Dave's temper is out of control. He says it is better, but he is sarcastic and mean and has no patience for anything. Between that and everything else, i am having trouble with perspective.
My cat nearly died, so now i have to work two jobs to pay for the vet bills, my job is approaching hostile work environment... I am getting lost in minutia. Spaciousness, as Sogyal Rinpoche calls it, is lost to me at the moment. Meanwhile, i am feeling overwhelmed to the point that sitting just feels like more work. And that is wrong. I try to fight it, but fall asleep if i try to sit or read. Going to keep trying.
Oh, and had a really odd dream. I was at work and the Karmapa was there about to give a teaching, so my boss told me i had to float to another floor. Typical. I told her to fire me because i wasn't going.
Going to go try to read a verse of something and meditate on it. Or sleep trying... ;-)
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