Karma and Reincarnation Trump "Meditation"

In my You Tube wanderings, I came upon this. Lama Zopa Rinpoche is my root guru. Amazing being. Ordained me once upon a lifetime. Long story. Another time.

Anyway, this teaching really struck a nerve and turned on a light bulb of blue headlight high beam brilliance. I think i have been going about this ass backwards in some respects.

Trying to swim against the current of the karmic river i created is of no use really. What matters is what is done now, in this ever-emerging moment. Whatever comes comes, but my reaction to and understanding of it is the point and the way to calm the rapids.

Reincarnation and karma mean no dependently arisen sentient being comes into this life with a clean slate. Like it or not, we have all done stuff in our pasts that is going to come along and either help or harm us. We did that, not whoever or whatever we blame. Trust me, i have blamed a lot of things and people. I have also obviously done a lot of nasty stuff in the past (more long stories). I forget karma and suddenly i forget that the ripening of all of this is actually a positive thing. Unfortunately, my reaction then creates more karma to deal with later. Without really understanding and using this truth in everyday life, suffering results will never cease. Further, all the other Teachings rely on getting a firm grasp on this one.

He says it better. He always does.

Thank you again Rinpoche. This should keep me busy for a lifetime or two.

Impermanent

Sometimes I like impermanence more than others. My 36 year-old sister-in-law died of brain cancer on January 3rd (also JRR Tolkien's birthday - cuz i am a geeky Buddhist). I did the Buddhist practices and requests and family duties. I didn't know her very well, but she was a sentient being whose life was marked by loads of suffering, so i do wish her well on her journey. One of my patients also died last week. She had a blood clot in her leg that broke loose. She was 29. I knew her less well, but she also had that sort of life. My prayer is that they both worked off enough negativity this life to meet Dharma in their next one.
My big quandary these days involves whether to study and such on my own or get involved with a Dharma center that is less than an hour from me, but a different lineage. I have connections to both lineages... Trying to weigh and examine the whys and wherefores of the options. I could also do correspondence study. This appeals to me, but I really miss receiving teachings in person. Structure helps me and homework keeps me on the cushion. I know I know, not the point, but there is something about the accountability. The local set up is not that sort of center. Much more ad hoc and random. So, here is sit.
I am like this at the pool also. Sit on the edge and think about getting in, while my feet go in and out of the water. That is where the structure comes in. I overwhelm myself and freeze if i think about the enormity of the task at hand without a way to break it down and follow some sort of plan. This leads me to think that an online structured thing would be good, but where to start.
Did i mention i am my own worst enemy...
And a procrastinator.
More on that later...
My temper is my downfall on a more moment to moment basis. Still working that out. I have gotten better, but i get overwhelmed too easily. Grasping and all that. Fear based. Fear of loss and change and getting yelled at. That sort of thing. The 8 worldly dharmas are alive and well and still wreaking havoc in my mindstream. Perhaps a starting point then.
For those who don't know, check them out here.
I will also and continue this soon.