Impermanent

Sometimes I like impermanence more than others. My 36 year-old sister-in-law died of brain cancer on January 3rd (also JRR Tolkien's birthday - cuz i am a geeky Buddhist). I did the Buddhist practices and requests and family duties. I didn't know her very well, but she was a sentient being whose life was marked by loads of suffering, so i do wish her well on her journey. One of my patients also died last week. She had a blood clot in her leg that broke loose. She was 29. I knew her less well, but she also had that sort of life. My prayer is that they both worked off enough negativity this life to meet Dharma in their next one.
My big quandary these days involves whether to study and such on my own or get involved with a Dharma center that is less than an hour from me, but a different lineage. I have connections to both lineages... Trying to weigh and examine the whys and wherefores of the options. I could also do correspondence study. This appeals to me, but I really miss receiving teachings in person. Structure helps me and homework keeps me on the cushion. I know I know, not the point, but there is something about the accountability. The local set up is not that sort of center. Much more ad hoc and random. So, here is sit.
I am like this at the pool also. Sit on the edge and think about getting in, while my feet go in and out of the water. That is where the structure comes in. I overwhelm myself and freeze if i think about the enormity of the task at hand without a way to break it down and follow some sort of plan. This leads me to think that an online structured thing would be good, but where to start.
Did i mention i am my own worst enemy...
And a procrastinator.
More on that later...
My temper is my downfall on a more moment to moment basis. Still working that out. I have gotten better, but i get overwhelmed too easily. Grasping and all that. Fear based. Fear of loss and change and getting yelled at. That sort of thing. The 8 worldly dharmas are alive and well and still wreaking havoc in my mindstream. Perhaps a starting point then.
For those who don't know, check them out here.
I will also and continue this soon.