Fear antidote

So, Lama Zopa Rinpoche replied to my letter about fear, saying that confidence in the Three Jewels is good.
Then he went on, as he often does, to his actual advice. In a nutshell, realization of the emptiness of the inherent existence of the "I" is what i should work on.
I actually felt better reading that. I mean, if i stop seeing a solid me that can be harmed by thoughts, words, actions, and start seeing the i as being something merely labeled on the basis of the aggregates and mind as foundation, then that will definitely help.
Then i laughed.
Yep, i got some work to do.... Especially when the patients start throwing punches, as schizophrenics sometimes do...
Working on being aware enough in the chaos to slow my reaction time and eventually stop defending. Because intellectual study and knowledge only gets you so far.

Bodhicharyavatara

Favorite text of all time.
Still can't spell it, but it is amazing.
So, i went back on the meds. A half dose. At night. Takes the anger and clears my head so i can deal a little better. Meanwhile Dave's temper is out of control. He says it is better, but he is sarcastic and mean and has no patience for anything. Between that and everything else, i am having trouble with perspective.
My cat nearly died, so now i have to work two jobs to pay for the vet bills, my job is approaching hostile work environment... I am getting lost in minutia. Spaciousness, as Sogyal Rinpoche calls it, is lost to me at the moment. Meanwhile, i am feeling overwhelmed to the point that sitting just feels like more work. And that is wrong. I try to fight it, but fall asleep if i try to sit or read. Going to keep trying.
Oh, and had a really odd dream. I was at work and the Karmapa was there about to give a teaching, so my boss told me i had to float to another floor. Typical. I told her to fire me because i wasn't going.
Going to go try to read a verse of something and meditate on it. Or sleep trying... ;-)

Pitter Patter

Heart in this case, not steps. I only took the meds for 2 days. They made me feel numb, so i went back off. And ended up on a cardiac floor for a night with chest pain and palpitations. Scary since my grandfather died of a heart attack when i was 2 and i had most of the weird symptoms that women get with heart attacks. However, my blood work was fine and the next day my ekg and blood pressure were back to normal and i could move around without pain or profuse sweating. I worry about having called out for it, as i did not give enough warning for it not to count as an absent (not a sick) which could in theory get me written up. Hospitals frown on sickness. I get to be sick up to 5 times a year, and never on a weekend. Which means i work a lot when i shouldn't. With everything from the flu to pneumonia to gastrointestinal super bugs. I wish i didn't have to, but sick people keep insisting on coming to the hospital, so there you go.
Back to the steps...
I went to a local Dharma study group the next Sunday. I probably won't go back. Nothing wrong with them. I just have other things to do and can read a text on my own with commentary rather than reading it aloud with others.
I have no idea how this will get me buddhish... Except that i know i have to reduce some stress and that means crossing the road to the meditation side. Not the medication side. And so i have started running again. My first 5k is sunday. For a group who helps kids who lose a parent to cancer. Nice side effect. But, running, bicycling and gardening are all meditational for me. They get me to let go. At least for a few minutes. And that is a start.
Babysteps in Brooks running shoes.
Now to work on the anger... sigh...

Three steps back

As it turns out, i may still need my antidepressant. My doc and i were getting me off it. Then the crying out of control emotions started.
Then bombs went off, a fertilizer plant exploded, my cat pooped on the futon where the guests were sitting, one of the patients stabbed a visitor repeatedly in the face with a colored pencil, my husband was injured at work and... let's say it was a long week.
Spent about 12 hours working on flower beds and clearing stones out of the yard this weekend. Got some pheromone scented collars for my feuding kitties. Took a long bath. Restarted the meds. Thought long and hard about it. At least for now, i need to take the edge off until my practice and brain can deal with things again. Sometimes i feel like an absolute Buddhist failure for that.
Had a weird dream. My parents (who would never do any of what follows) were driving to Oregon to see my nephew (who is looking for work out there). On the way, they stopped at a center and met and spoke with Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, who greatly impressed them. They started practicing Dharma and were looking for a center. In my dream, DPR's students in our area had just started a study group. So, my parents and husband went along with me to study.
I'm thinking it is more about my wanting things to settle down than about anyone going to a study group.
Somewhere in my mind there is the sense of nothing to settle and peace. The crashing waves soon drown it out.
Still better at study than practice/meditation.
And so it goes.

Stress

Just took my annual health assessment for my health insurance. It says i need to learn to manage stress better and suggested meditation... I may have to look into that...
The onion continues to peel. I think that the more i meditate the more aware i am of the fear and anxiety that runs through all of my kneejerk reactions. Anger and the lot are built on it.
Today's activities before work include spending some time moving rocks. Seriously. Probably without Milarepa's success level.
Eventually i will learn to apply the catch and release method Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche talks about to all my mental noise, but for today, i am pushing rocks.

Two steps back, maybe one forward

I try very hard to be helpful and, so, when my supervisor asked me to work some overtime over the weekend, i agreed. The patients deserve and need staff. The staff need to work with as full a complement of people as possible. We have two adult psych units and one adolescent one where i work. After i agreed to this. my sister-in-law was admitted to one of the adult units... So, i followed policy and floated to the other adult unit. Then the next day, a trade was made and she was on the other unit. Back to my unit i went. Then another staff person came in and got very upset at having to trade units because i could not. And i defended myself. I should have shut up and let the nurses handle it. We had enough going on with a manic patient to keep me occupied away from the staff. But, no, i forgot how she reacts and attacks and gets me all suicidal and screwed up with her verbal violence and tried to apologize to her. I even offered to go home so she could stay on the unit she wanted. I really hate conflict. I have been abused enough to have deeply ingrained habituated ways of coping with it and all these years later i still shut down when it happens. Epic fail. 

My husband has disowned and been disowned by his family many times over the years and hates his little sister. He thinks she is a useless burden who ... well, he has some opinions on the subject. And his mother... He does seem to like his dad ok. At least enough to IM him sometimes. He doesn't care that his sister is in the hospital. I have not seen her yet. I am not sure i should during work hours and i am not sure what to say. I have met her 3 times during my 7 years with Dave. She is a mess. Her whole life is a mess. Bipolar plus mild mr plus personality disorders plus morbid obesity. And now breast cancer and mastectomy followed by chemo that required her to go off her psych meds. It really does suck to be her. And she is only 34. I have had friends beat breast cancer only to have it come back with a vengeance and kill them. I can't tell Dave to care. And that puts me in a weird position. Keeping her in my practice until i have some peace about whether or not to see her. Medicine Buddha is one of my main practices. Is that weird? That and Green Tara. 

I am reminded a lot of the preciousness of this perfect human rebirth lately. I think i squander it too much. I also think that i am rarely present in moments. Just in the stories i am telling myself about the moments... Somehow i feel disappointed in myself for all of this. And for seeing conflict where none exists and for fearing anger so intensely all the time. 

Such a work in progress...

Where in Beginningless Cyclic Existence to Start?

I first ran into the Dharma in Crandall Library in 1995. It turned out to be the perfect time. That is kind of how my life works most of the time. 1980 would have been better, but i guess i wouldn't have learned as much on the way. Besides every moment led to this one, so best not to second guess and go all Fringe.
I feel like i have made no progress ever since, but i do still avail myself of every opportunity to count breaths/sheep/etc. to try to tame my insane brain.
I do not use that term lightly. I have worked in the mental health field since 1987 and lived a good portion of it (minus the stigmatizing inpatient stays) most of my life. This is part of how Dharma saved me from several cliffs. We'll get to that in sort of a convoluted way, as that is how my mind seems to work best.
Today, it is cloudy and cold, my legs hurt and kept me up last night, my sinus infection is slowly improving (sinuses have several design flaws), and, in short, i woke up again with this precious human rebirth. All of the above seems to confirm that.
Choices tend to paralyze me and lead to inaction. That is part of why i feel like i have made no progress. I am still stuck on how to integrate the various viewpoints into a unified practice that will still be true to Dharma without screwing it up with my own crap. I started out in the Gelugpa tradition. It still appeals to my need for logic and order. However, engaging my intellect is not the only thing that needs doing and there are no Gelugpa centers within 4 hours of my current location, so i have been more and more drawn to the Kagyupa. The problem there is (a)  KTD is only for rich people, so i can't afford any of their teachings, (b) KTC is for anyone, but i work weekends and evenings at the hospital, so i can't get their either. The less than 2 hours away centers are a possibility, but mostly on Sunday mornings, which can be an issue when i get home from work after midnight. I can make excuses for anything.
The real issue is that i feel like Bob. I just want to go to the teacher's house and have him tell me what is wrong and how to fix it. And so here i sit typing instead of taking action on my own. Time to start babystepping.