Two steps back, maybe one forward

I try very hard to be helpful and, so, when my supervisor asked me to work some overtime over the weekend, i agreed. The patients deserve and need staff. The staff need to work with as full a complement of people as possible. We have two adult psych units and one adolescent one where i work. After i agreed to this. my sister-in-law was admitted to one of the adult units... So, i followed policy and floated to the other adult unit. Then the next day, a trade was made and she was on the other unit. Back to my unit i went. Then another staff person came in and got very upset at having to trade units because i could not. And i defended myself. I should have shut up and let the nurses handle it. We had enough going on with a manic patient to keep me occupied away from the staff. But, no, i forgot how she reacts and attacks and gets me all suicidal and screwed up with her verbal violence and tried to apologize to her. I even offered to go home so she could stay on the unit she wanted. I really hate conflict. I have been abused enough to have deeply ingrained habituated ways of coping with it and all these years later i still shut down when it happens. Epic fail. 

My husband has disowned and been disowned by his family many times over the years and hates his little sister. He thinks she is a useless burden who ... well, he has some opinions on the subject. And his mother... He does seem to like his dad ok. At least enough to IM him sometimes. He doesn't care that his sister is in the hospital. I have not seen her yet. I am not sure i should during work hours and i am not sure what to say. I have met her 3 times during my 7 years with Dave. She is a mess. Her whole life is a mess. Bipolar plus mild mr plus personality disorders plus morbid obesity. And now breast cancer and mastectomy followed by chemo that required her to go off her psych meds. It really does suck to be her. And she is only 34. I have had friends beat breast cancer only to have it come back with a vengeance and kill them. I can't tell Dave to care. And that puts me in a weird position. Keeping her in my practice until i have some peace about whether or not to see her. Medicine Buddha is one of my main practices. Is that weird? That and Green Tara. 

I am reminded a lot of the preciousness of this perfect human rebirth lately. I think i squander it too much. I also think that i am rarely present in moments. Just in the stories i am telling myself about the moments... Somehow i feel disappointed in myself for all of this. And for seeing conflict where none exists and for fearing anger so intensely all the time. 

Such a work in progress...